verloren

i was lost in the darkness,
and i had found a glimmer of light in the darkness,
and i go towards it,
and it beckons me,
and all of a sudden,
the light is doused.
returned to shine upon the past
i want the light
is that so wrong?
to feel comforted
to feel at peace
to feel loved
but i cannot choose where the light shines
it is its own valence
so once again i am just drifting along in the darkness
i have lost my beacon
i feel alone

update on life

for the record, me and amber are no longer together. things started going downhill a little while back, and she started talking to this guy on myspace named shawn. they end up going on a date, and then she tells me she wants a break. she doesn't tell me about him but continues to see him after i moved out. bout a week ago she comes clean about him and tells me she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or him. i end up going to the apartment with her and our friend nick, and as she's getting sleepy, she starts im'ing him with me right there. i see the look in her eyes as she's typing and i know then and there. i am no longer the one to make her happy. he is. if you want to see his pics, here's his myspace page. me and amber are on speaking terms lol openly speaking terms. its very odd. we have talked about him on length. and i have actually spoken to him briefly and from what i can tell, he is a good guy. i can honestly say i am quite happy for them both, despite the little bit of time in which i have known of things. i have since moved on and found someone else, and although distance is an issue, i hope to soon remedy that.

i am FREE

free from the tyranny, free from the malice, free from the hate, and, most of all, free from the LIES

Schmerz und Sorge

withdrawn without question before your heart completely falls apart.
broken into fine glass cutting my skin.
black blood pours over out of my heart.
poison made clear by taste of sin left lingering.
meant to fade away with your darkened wings that were enslaved by hate.



you started to awake.
but you couldn't see the truth that was in front of me.
envy incarnated and it took form to tear out your eyes.
you pass this into your new life.
your actions become of no use.
they'll become abused and used against you.
lower your head.
strength compares to nothing next to him.
fine lines you have imposed and you no longer have your given hope.

my ice numb skin feels nothing but the realization i can no longer have her breath.

may she be taken? the answer is a lingering whisper in the dark dead misty air...

thoughts

The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox. We live trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts, each day a slight variation on the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us.

And no, I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: the solution doesn't involve watering down me every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone else's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up.

This is very important, so I want to say it as clearly as I can:

Fuck.

That.

Shit.

The Musical Stylings of Sandy Hale

This is my uncle Sandy. This is funny as hell, especially the 1st one.

Life update

Well, me and amber have finally moved out on our own. We were living with our friend chris(moses), and that was fine and all, but it's just not the same as having your own place. Everyone has been so generous in helping out with groceries and furniture and the like, and we are eternally grateful to those who have helped us. We're both nearly broke because of all the utility deposits and the like, but I'd say we're doin okay. We should have a house phone in a week or two and I'll post a bulletin when we do. Just reply to it and I'll give you the number. mcklucker